So often we assume that people know what we want — or that they should know what we want.
Whether it’s your boss knowing you want to be staffed on a particular project, or your spouse knowing you want flowers for your anniversary, people often believe their hopes are apparent to everyone around them.
What’s funny is that the fallacy becomes immediately apparent when you reverse this. Do you know exactly what your spouse wants? What your boss wants? Has every gift you’ve given or every idea you’ve offered up been the equivalent of a home run? No? How interesting.
We all live in our own little worlds. And consequently, what is obvious to us isn’t to everyone else, no matter how much we believe it should be.
State what you want
Here’s the truth: People who do, in fact, care about you, still often do not know what you want. You can spend your time lamenting this, and ruminating that if people loved or respected you more they would know. But you know what else you could do with that time? State what you want explicitly, so you have a better shot at getting it.
So if there is something you want at work, and you need someone’s approval, then tell your boss about it. Ask for it, whether that’s a promotion, the opportunity to be staffed on a particular project, a chance to present at your team meeting, direct reports, or anything else.
No one can read your mind, so state exactly what you want. You may not get everything you ask for, but you’re a lot more likely to get what you want if you do ask for it, than if you just wait around for the “career fairy” to drop it in your lap.
Avoid the silent seething
The wisdom of asking for what you want is true at home too. Let your family members know what you want, whether that’s for them to say thank you before they say anything else about dinner, or to give you a handwritten note on your birthday, or to put their plates in the dishwasher after dinner. Should the dishwasher thing be obvious? Yes. But so it goes. Asking makes it happen. Seething silently might not.
When one of my children had a birthday not long ago, this particular child requested a specific wrapping paper for all presents. This was a very easy request to fulfill. I was going to wrap the presents somehow, and I would much rather do what the kid wanted than find out later there was a disappointed desire. Because the kid told me, I didn’t have to guess. How smart! When you let people know what you want, you’re a lot more likely to get it.
Now of course people could say no — but at least then you know for sure. There’s no later argument of “well, if I’d known…” Now the person knows. It still might not happen, but I’d say the odds are a lot better.
This is so true! I remember reading early in my marriage that we shouldn't expect our spouses to read our minds. If you want a certain type of birthday celebration or gift, ask for it! Your spouse is probably happy to have guidance on what makes you happy.
My younger kid is an "asker" by nature, while the rest of us are not (and more the silent seething type). This kid got an incredibly fancy restaurant to make hot chocolate for them after a nice dinner, and I didn't even know that was possible, lol.
My favorite "you have to ask for it" story was when I worked on a team of 40 year old dudes when I was in my mid 20s, and our manager (also a 40yo dude with a family) brought up in a team meeting that we had been invited to speak at an internal conference in Germany, but that he knew travel was a hassle for everyone and he was just going to decline. It was just a side comment, but after thinking about it for a while, I got up the courage to ask him if I could go.
He was thrilled I wanted to (and it didn't even occur to him that it would be fun for me!). I had a blast, made new friends, gained a mentor, and got an invitation to speak in Singapore 6 months later. It was the best risk I ever took and it wasn't even that scary to JUST ASK.