Understand your jealousy

Knowing what makes you envious can help you figure out what you want

What makes you green with envy?

Certain things don’t bother me at all. I scroll on past some lifestyle influencer talking about the fabulous home-cooked meals they have every night. I’m not jealous of other people’s faster running times.

But I was set off, early in the pandemic, by a podcaster’s casual mention that he and his spouse had agreed that he should outfit separate studio space, outside the house, so family members wouldn’t interrupt him while he was recording. It wasn’t so much the practical existence of a studio (I am capable of signing a rental agreement too!), it was that I was managing four children doing virtual schooling and a baby who was nursing every three hours and no one seemed to be treating my need to work uninterrupted as anything approaching a family priority. I was jealous.

Envy is not a particularly enjoyable emotion. Indeed, it’s been remarked that it is the only one of the seven deadly sins that is no fun at all! But I think it is a useful emotion. When you see what makes you jealous, you’ve usually identified a need or something lacking in your life. When you know that, you can take steps to fill that need.

So pay attention to what makes you jealous. When do you find yourself fuming about someone else’s situation? When do you find yourself feeling like your own situation is particularly lacking?

Everyone makes trade-offs, and sometimes we have fully accepted those trade-offs. I am quite aware that if I put more time into training, I would be a faster runner. But I don’t want to put much more time into training. So I am a slow runner. Oh well. I put basically no value on having a fabulous designer shoe collection. So I am not jealous of anyone else’s shoe closets. Probably if I wanted to, I could organize my life to buy more shoes. I have not done this. Good for other people for knowing what they like.

But I do often feel lacking in time — or more specifically, unencumbered time where I am not dealing with the logistics of lots of other people. Much of the time I enjoy the busyness of a big family, but I also need space to think and create. Early in the pandemic this time felt in short supply. Hence the bout of envy.

When you know what you are feeling you lack, though, you can take steps to address this. I can’t say I’ve entirely solved the issue though I have taken some retreats over the past few years to focus on writing projects and planning my time. And as the pandemic ended and the kids got older, most days everyone is out of the house for several hours, meaning I don’t need external space to enjoy some quiet. Well, except for when the neighbors’ leaf blowers get going. But that is a different topic entirely.

What makes you jealous?