Try a limited engagement

Create a recurring get-together that has an end point

Few things in life last forever. Monday night drinks with your girlfriends might last for years, but you will probably not all move in together in retirement. Your Wednesday morning run with a friend might last a decade, but then pause when she’s injured and never resume. So it goes. Something can be wonderful for a long time, and then you move on to something else.

But few of us consider the end when we’re starting. Perhaps we’re natural optimists, but the problem is sometimes we don’t try things because we suspect we won’t want to do them forever. But you don’t have to do something forever. You can explicitly try it as a limited engagement.

Just for a while

In a recent New York Times article, friendship coach Danielle Bayard Jackson suggested something along those lines — what she called a “limited series” with friends. You pick an activity that lasts a few weeks or months and brings you into more structured interaction. She gave the example of watching a TV series and meeting up on Zoom for 15 minutes after each episode to analyze it. A limited engagement lets you test out more frequent interaction, so if you like it, you can figure out a way to keep going. But even if you decide not to keep going, you’ll probably still have fun.

I think this is a great idea. Maybe you don’t want to watch a TV series together, but you would like to try a weekly dinner club for a month. Maybe you and some friends decide to do an 2-month training program together to get ready for a 10K. You might arrange with several friends to read a self-improvement book together over the course of a month and meet up weekly, in person or via Zoom, to discuss how you’re implementing what you learn. Or maybe your limited engagement is playing pickleball with a neighbor. You decide to play every Wednesday after work until the end of the semester, and then you will take a break.

Lower the pressure

Deciding to participate in a limited engagement is a lot lower pressure than something you’re committing to…forever. So it feels easier to say yes.

I know lots of people want to spend more time with friends. A recurring commitment can be a great way to make that happen, without the effort of planning multiple one-off experiences. With a limited engagement, you get all the benefits of a recurring commitment, but without the potential for feeling awkward if the commitment starts to feel like an obligation. Maybe your book club will last for a thousand years. But it may also last for 12 sessions, which is probably just as good.