On a scale of 1 to 10...

Ask how strongly everyone feels

Group decision making is hard. People want different things, and if you have to choose one thing or another there’s always the possibility that someone is going to wind up resentful.

But you can make decisions a little easier by figuring out how strong everyone’s preferences are. When you ask everyone how important something is on a scale of 1 to 10, you might be able to make decisions that minimize resentment — and in some cases you might be able to make decisions swiftly when you realize that no one really cares at all.

Strongly held opinions

Let’s say you and your partner are debating whether to go a relative’s destination wedding. You don’t know that relative all that well, and with vacation days and funds being limited, going means you probably won’t make another trip for the next few months. What to do?

This can be an impasse, but if you ask how strongly each party feels about going vs. spending the time and money on something else, you might get more insight. Perhaps your partner views going as an 8 because he knows a few older relatives that he doesn’t see often — and may not see much again — are going to be there. You might vaguely want to go somewhere else, but you don’t have any immediate plans, so your feelings on not going are more like a 5 or 6.

That doesn’t mean you automatically will go, but perhaps it suggests that you and your partner could go and make the most of it — two days at the wedding, and then two days for just the two of you somewhere nearby to make it more of a vacation that you would enjoy. You know your partner’s strongly held preference is being honored, and your more moderately held preference is being accommodated as you can.

Making swift decisions

On the other hand, maybe you’re deciding between two paint colors. Your partner prefers one and you prefer the other. But when you rate your preferences on a scale of 1 to 10, both of you pick 3. The truth is, neither of you care all that much. So just pick something — maybe by flipping a coin — and stop worrying about it. You aren’t going to be put out by a different choice and you won’t worry your partner will be resentful if you go with your choice. It’s all good.

Now of course asking how strongly people feel on a scale of 1 to 10 doesn’t always work. Some people will claim everything is a 10. But honestly, if you have someone in your life with a bulldozer of a personality, you already know that. You already know this tip isn’t for you.

But for most people, that won’t be an issue. All of you are reasonable and while you like your preferences, you don’t want to paint the walls white if you don’t care that much about interior design and your partner has been dreaming of a sunny yellow bedroom since childhood.

Not every hill is a hill to die on. By using a scale of 1 to 10, we’re able to focus on what’s important to us and let go of what is not.