We’ve all gotten to know people just because it was really, really convenient to talk to them. In college you might have regularly said hello to the people who were assigned to the same bathroom in your dorm. In adult life, maybe you often strike up a conversation with the work colleague whose cubicle you pass on the way to the kitchen. You might also regularly chat with the guy who gets on the train with you and gets off at the same stop. You didn’t seek him out, but now you see each other five times a week, which is a lot.
Relationships are built on frequency, so these circumstantial friends can wind up being important to us. They give us a sense of connection and community. You probably aren’t going to ask the train guy about his deepest hopes and fears, but he’s got a funny story to tell about what happened on his last vacation, and that makes your commute more pleasant.
Then life changes. Suddenly, you don’t see these people five times a week. When that happens, these relationships will necessarily change too — but while friendships will all wax and wane, a change in circumstances doesn’t need to mean a friendship completely ends. There are several ways to maintain casual ties, even when they’re no longer so automatic.
Stay in touch
To begin with, get contact information for your daily-life friends before you need it. You don’t want to have to rely on running into them. Offer your contact info, or you can ask them to follow up if they share something interesting with you. Can you text me the name of that restaurant you liked? Can you email me that article you mentioned?
Once you have the information, you can put it to use. Here are some simple ideas for staying connected.
First, send holiday cards. This is a pretty all-inclusive way to keep in touch with everyone you’ve gathered in your life. I believe in personal notes whenever possible. It does not take much time. Even if it did, people are a good use of time. If you’re bothering to send a card you can take the extra two minutes to write something about life and your memories together. Christmas is a popular option, but you could become the person who sends Fourth of July cards. If all you have is an email or phone number, email or text to ask for mailing information. Most people will offer it up.
You can write a quick text or email when something you see or do makes you think of a friend from a former phase of life. When you do an online workout video your gym buddy told you about, text to let her know you liked it. When you host a Valentine’s Day party for your son’s class, text the parent you collaborated with on last year’s Valentine’s party with funny memories that you shared.
Share recommendations
Another authentic way to reach out is by offering recommendations you think they’d appreciate. If every Monday morning, you and the person at the desk beside yours used to tell each other about the restaurants you tried over the weekend, you can still let him know when you discover a restaurant, even if you’re no longer colleagues. Texting or email is easy and pretty unobtrusive.
When you’re intentional about maintaining relationships with people whose daily lives used to intersect with yours, you may end up forming friendships with them that transcend the context you used to share. But even if a deeper friendship doesn’t develop, it’s still good to have ties to former times in your life. Who knows when you might meet again? Life is long. Your grown child moves to Boston, and hey, train guy now lives in Boston and knows about an apartment that just came on the market. Lucky that you kept in touch.
I'm a big proponent of sending Christmas cards to people who are or who've been a part of my life, even if we don't talk or see each other regularly anymore. I'm a paper person and enjoy picking out cards, buying themed stamps and yes, writing a mini Christmas letter. I figure it's my one time of year / touchpoint with everyone. Regardless of whether they send me a card, I like doing it and consider it an investment in my people.
I recently moved cross country from a big city to a Lowcountry suburb and miss some of the "regulars" I would see daily or weekly. I do text occasionally with the guy who worked at the little store across from my condo building, where I shopped multiple times a week. And I'm Instagram friends with the cashier at the pizza joint I had lunch at every Friday at work for years before COVID/layoffs/my move. It's strange that these things/experiences/people are no longer part of my life, but I'm glad for the memories and the ability to stay in a little bit of touch.
Another suggestion is to become Instagram friends with “holiday” (vacation) friends. I did this last year with a lady we were seated next to on a cruise ship so we spent many meals together. It’s lovely to now see her Australian life and I think she likes to see my South African life too.
We just returned from Thailand and after spending a day together on an excursion, three of us are following each other on Instagram too. So fun!