Certain questions tend to elicit certain answers. For instance, a question that starts with “Why?” is highly likely to get an answer that begins with “Because…” Questions that start with “why” tend to put people on guard, and they often elicit responses that are justifications.
For example, consider this question to a teenager, “Why didn’t you tell me you were failing math?” It is hard to picture a useful response. More likely, you’ll get sputtering and an answer like “you’re impossible to talk to” or “it’s not like you care anyway” or “I had no idea I was failing” or something like that. None of these solve the problem of your kid’s school trouble.
Better to aim to invite stories and reflections instead.
Solving problems together
To invite a story, you might say “Tell me more about what math has been like this semester.” This can encourage the teenager to identify what’s been challenging, so the two of you can come up with solutions together.
Likewise, instead of asking your direct report, “Why can’t you meet the deadline?” you could try suggesting, “Let’s talk through your current priorities and timelines.”
“Why did you back the car into the side of the garage?” can become “What was happening when you hit the side of the garage?” Nothing is solved by the first question. The second might bring up reasonable ideas of clearing clutter or dealing with blind spots that can keep this from happening again.
Getting to know you
Even in positive contexts, “why” questions tend to elicit formulaic answers, when we would prefer more meaningful responses. So instead of asking a job candidate, “Why do you think this job is right for you?” instead you could try, “I’d love to hear about what attracted you to this position.” That invitation is much more likely to bring out your candidate’s experiences and mindsets and priorities, so you can get to know him better — which is the point of an interview. “Why?” tends to limit, but reframing a question to invite stories increases the chances that the conversation gets to a good place.
Wow this is so powerful
Thank you
I had a boss who was pretty aggressive in his use of "why" as a criticism of everything I did. I'd love an episode on how to redirect someone who insists on this conversational tactic.