Don't just drop hints

How to increase the chances that you get what you want

There’s a certain carnival act where a performer claims to be able to read people’s minds. Usually, the clairvoyant makes broad but leading statements (“you are troubled right now…”) that get the person to open up. It’s kind of fun to watch, but what’s fascinating to me is that we view this as a “super power” — and also expect our friends, colleagues, and family members to possess it.

How else to explain the fact that people are routinely disappointed that others don’t live up to expectations that have never been fully expressed?

You know what I mean. You wanted a certain gift for your birthday but didn’t tell anyone. You wanted the kitchen counter to be spotless when you came home late from work, even though no one knew exactly what time you’d be pulling in the driveway. You wanted to work on that project on Tuesday this week because Wednesday and Thursday are busy but your direct report turns it on on Thursdays as usual.

Perhaps the thought is that if other people truly loved or respected us, they’d just know. But other people can’t read our minds. Often, they don’t even understand pretty heavy hints. When you want something, everyone’s better off if you just say it.

Ask for what you want

So if you want a birthday gift, ask for it. If you’d like your friends to do something in particular to celebrate a milestone, ask them to make it happen. If you’d like your colleagues to do something helpful, make the request.

I know there are reasons this doesn’t happen. Sometimes we don’t like to acknowledge our desires to ourselves! And sometimes people feel awkward asking for help or stating their hopes or expectations directly. Does it sound pushy? Is it insulting to suggest someone wouldn’t know that you like meetings to start on time, or that you expect that the person who finishes the paper towel roll will replace it? But if we beat around the bush and drop hints, other people may misunderstand what we mean and the results may not be what we intended. Or people just have blind spots. I don’t put onions on my hamburgers, so if I’m the one cooking hamburgers, I’m never going to think to cut up an onion, even though my husband loves onions on his burgers. It’s obvious to him, but not to me. I’d say I forget at least half the time.

So here are some ways to raise issues politely. Think clear, collaborative, and congenial. That means using direct language, keeping the tone friendly, and assuming everyone is focused on good outcomes.

Make it happen

For instance, on deadlines, you could say “I’m counting on being able to review your report Tuesday afternoon. That’s the time I’ve carved out to work on this because we are all attending that conference later in the week. If you foresee a problem getting the report to me by lunch time on Tuesday, please let me know in advance.”

Or for household expectations: “I would really appreciate it if you had the kids up in their rooms when I come home from my choir practice. I know it’s easy to lose track of time, but you could set an alarm so the bedtime process doesn’t get delayed.”

Or when you’re asking for affection and support from family and friends: “Next Tuesday is my birthday! I’d love to celebrate it with you. I was thinking a small group of us would have lunch at the sushi place near my office, but I’m open to other suggestions.”

The general approach should be to share the hope, expectation, or need, and then invite the other person to give a thumbs-up or weigh in. That way, you’re not assuming anything. You’re sharing your expectations in a way that gives the other person the chance to confirm that these expectations are shared, or to suggest a different plan.

That’s not pushy. Instead, this approach greatly increases the chances that your needs are met. It’s hard to see the downside of that.

So, today, if you find yourself hoping that someone will do something, why not stop and ask the person directly? Save the mind-reading for carnivals, and everyone will be better off.