Do your social homework

Most gatherings aren't the equivalent of a pop quiz

People often wind up at social events this time of year. Perhaps it’s a class reunion. Perhaps it’s a wedding. Perhaps it’s a graduation, where the graduates know each other decently, but the relatives who are there haven’t seen each other much lately as the graduates have become independent adults.

In a Vanderhack earlier this week we talked about questions you can ask to make small talk less awkward. But of course people will ask you questions too. I always find it funny at, say, a wedding when you ask someone how they know the groom and they’re like, “Hmm, how do I know Bob?” Did they not think anyone was going to ask that?

People are predictable

Most social gatherings aren’t the equivalent of a pop quiz. The opening questions are entirely predictable. If you’re going to a reunion, your classmates will ask what you’re up to these days. At an end-of-year school event, people are going to ask about your plans for the summer. At a wedding you will be asked how you know the bride or groom or their families. At a Monday night industry happy hour, people are going to ask what you did over the weekend.

Since it’s the rare person who has the courage to open a conversation with something really interesting, you know what people will ask. And that means you can decide, ahead of time, how to answer. You don’t need to prepare a speech, but picking some detail you’ll be happy to talk about (particularly if there are any other details you don’t want to talk about) can go a long way toward making the whole experience better.

So, if you’re on your way to a reunion, you might decide that whenever someone asks, you’ll mention that you started a side gig as a professional organizer after your last kid left for college. Most likely they’ll follow up with questions about what that involves, and you can tell all sorts of funny anecdotes about people saving 40 years’ worth of National Geographic magazines. This could steer the conversation nicely away from your children’s employment situations, which are perhaps tenuous at best, if you don’t wish to talk about that.

Make conversation possible

Or, if you’re going to end-of-year events, pick one thing from the summer that could open up an angle for conversation. “We’ll be going to Disney Land in August” or “Johnny’s going to sleep-away camp for the first time.” This opens the door for the person to share their past experiences in these matters. If you’re going to a wedding, you can choose an appropriate anecdote to tell — or possibly even figure out something that opens the door to a random relative having something to talk with you about. “Denise and I worked together when she was still doing accounting. She always used to talk about her summers at the family compound in Maine — were you there?”

Almost every situation tends to go better if you approach it with intention. That means thinking things through ahead of time and doing your “social homework.” Very few situations are truly the equivalent of a pop quiz. A little preparation makes it all less stressful.