Become a regular somewhere

It's good to go where they know you

People my age and older no doubt remember the theme song from the TV show Cheers. Cheers — the bar — was a place “where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came.”

It’s certainly an appealing concept, and one reason some surveys show increased loneliness is that, isolated with our cell phones, we spend less time going to local watering holes, or other places we can become part of a community: houses of worship, civic organizations, even organized play groups for kids where parents can commiserate together.

Social ties tend to make people happier. But when people are busy, arranging specific times to get together can feel like a ton of work.

When you always go somewhere at a particular time, though, and other people do too, you don’t have to do the planning and scheduling. You get the relationships without the hassle. These relationships don’t even need to be deep, soulful sorts of things. Most people will in fact feel happier when the local postal clerk addresses you by name and asks about your family.

A weekly routine

As with all things in life, there has to be a balance. Too much sameness can be a problem. So I think it’s wise to look for opportunities to become a regular somewhere that could happen about once a week.

Fortunately, there are lots of opportunities for this. Maybe you normally make your own coffee in the morning, but once a week or so you go work in a coffee shop and order something fancy. Maybe you normally eat at home (better for one’s health and budget!) but on Friday nights your family goes to the local pizza joint. You could become a regular at an exercise class or at a particular service at your house of worship.

To become a regular, and to get the most out of the experience, do a few things.

First, look at your schedule, and see if you could build visiting this place into your life consistently. Maybe your favorite Pilates teacher at your gym teaches on three different days, and sometimes each of these is a possibility, but Tuesday nights work the best. Could you commit to going the vast majority of Tuesday nights? There’s always a reason one week here and there won’t work, but what if you started telling yourself that Tuesday is Pilates night? You’d start constructing your life to make it possible. And at least one day a week you’d know exactly what you’d do for exercise. That’s a great outcome.

Make it social

But to truly get the most out of being a regular, don’t stop there. You can invite other people to join you. It can be casual: You tell a friend about your great Tuesday night exercise class and suggest she try it. Or it can be more formal. Maybe you commit to taking a different direct report out to lunch at your favorite place every Monday. You can rotate through, but you get to know the restaurant and you build relationships.

And, of course, once you’ve decided to become a regular, you can pay more attention to the people who are already there. At the restaurant, you get to know the hostess and the wait staff. Maybe at a bar, as with Cheers, you’ve got your own favorite bartender who you can chat with. You notice someone else comes most Tuesday nights to the same exercise class. Since you’ve committed to coming, you know it’s worth introducing yourself and building at least a casual friendship. You might not become terribly entwined with each others’ lives, but it’s nice that, when you’re out sick for a week, someone notices and says “we missed you” when you come back.

So look at your life. Where could you become a regular? When could you make that happen? Who could join you, or who would you like to meet? Answering these questions can bring a lot of (regular!) happiness to your life.