Be a better listener

Change one habit to develop better connections

The next time you’re having a conversation, notice what your brain is doing while the other person is talking. As the person tells a story, what is on your mind?

If you are a normal human being, the odds are good that you are thinking of a story to tell that matches or, perhaps, tops the other person’s story. The next words out of your mouth are likely to be “oh, that happened to me once!” or “you think that’s bad? Wait until you hear what happened to me!”

There are lots of reasons we do this. One is that in all conversations, we tend to seek common ground. If we discover similarities with our conversation partners then we don’t need to be threats to each other — which is a good thing. So our brains automatically search for similarities.

But there’s also a little bit of competition going on too. We want the other person to acknowledge us. We want a certain amount of the conversation time centered on us, because of course we all find ourselves fascinating.

A missed opportunity

It makes complete sense, but here’s why it’s a problem. I can recognize this when I slip into doing this. As my brain is seeking out a story to match the other person’s, I am not paying attention to what he or she is saying. I am missing details. I am missing nuance. And I am missing an opportunity. Because it turns out that if someone is talking about something difficult, like that she’s really concerned about a sick friend, she doesn’t actually want to hear that you once had a friend who was sick too. This person most likely wants her feelings validated. Everyone likes to feel heard.

So if you want to be a better listener, commit to quitting the “wait until you hear what happened to me!” habit. While the other person is talking, don’t hunt through your memory for a similar story. Don’t be watching for the person to take a breath so you can launch into your tale.

Reflecting back

Instead, I like the suggestion I’ve heard from some skilled listeners, a phrase that is actually the title of a book by Kelly Corrigan: “Tell me more.”

Then the person can, indeed, tell you more if they’d like to. Or you can try something else that’s equally validating: “That must have been stressful.” Or “Wow — how did you solve that problem?” You can ask something specific to their story, giving them the option to elaborate in the form of a question: “You always have such adventures! When you lost your passport on your honeymoon, did you have to change much about your trip?”

Most likely, the person will be thrilled to continue. You might learn something interesting. And, most likely, eventually your conversation partner will ask you something, and then you can tell any story you want. You’ll still get a chance to talk about yourself, but with the added benefit that the other person now thinks you’re a wonderful listener, rather than someone who …just wants to talk about herself.

And if she never gets around to asking about you…well, it could happen. But so what? You now know this about this person, and you can judge for yourself whether it’s worth pursuing a relationship. But that has nothing to do with whether you got to tell your story three minutes earlier!